Back In The Day Show

I’m not sure why lists are so popular on the Internet. Maybe it’s because they’re so easy to read (or write for that matter). Maybe people are brain dead zombies, limited to digesting information broken up into quantifiable, compartmentalized chunks. Maybe people enjoy inherently opinionated rankings of things in a particular category. Whatever the reasons, they’re undeniably popular. Just Google “Top 10″ and see for yourself.

That said, I’d like to introduce you to my latest list: 10 Stupid-Hard NES Games: Then and Now. It’s basically just a list of really hard NES games I played as a kid with descriptions about my experiences then and revisiting them today. But I wanted this list to be different from the usual Internet sludge. So I took the typical “top 10″ paradigm and flipped it on its head a bit. First, this list will be delivered in a three-part series. Today, I’ll be sharing 3 stupid-hard games, then 4 more in Part 2, then I’ll finish up with the final 3 and a conclusion in Part 3. Next, I will be including complementary screenshots to better illustrate the stupid-hardness of the games. Also, this list will be a bit more verbose, which should oppose the notion of instant gratification intrinsic in so many other lists. Finally, this list is in no particular order, so there’s really no “top” to it. Hey, I told you this list would be different. Plus it would just take too much effort to rank these games, and I don’t really feel like it Enough babble. On to the list:

Ghosts ‘N Goblins

< Back in the Day: Of all the games that elicited expletives from me as a kid, this one probably brought out the most. It was easier to catwalk on my BMX bike uphill for a mile while pulling my little brother on his skateboard than beat this game. In this game, you play as a knight, fighting against zombies, ghosts, wizards, and other monsters to finally save your betrothed from the clutches of a big, ugly, winged demon that kind of reminds me of Sardo Numspa at the end of the 1986 movie, The Golden Child. Anyway, if you like abuse, this is the game for you. The mechanics of the game are pretty simple. You run around jumping and throwing weapons at constantly spawning monsters until you or they die. The basic strategy is a combination of killing and running, not that any sort of strategy makes that much of a difference. You start the game throwing lances, which do an ok amount of damage, but are pretty slow. Stay away from the torch or flame weapon like it’s… well, fire. It sucks and has a limited effective range. The dagger is pretty decent; it does as much damage as the lance, and it’s faster. I don’t know anything about the axe, and I never found the shield or cross weapon, but I’ve read that you can use it to block enemy attacks as well as attack. You can only shoot laterally (unlike in Contra, where you can shoot up, down, and diagonally in all directions), so that doesn’t help. Oh, yeah, the monsters must all have acid blood, because if you get hit once, you lose your entire suit of armor and are reduced to your knightly boxers. The next hit turns you into a handsome pile of bones. If you can make it half-way through the level, then you start at the “half-way marker” after you die. Wow, thanks. One more thing: the designers must be masochists or something, because if you pull off a miracle and “beat” this game, you have to do it all over again to get the real ending. I have better things to do with my time… like write more lists.

> Today: I’ll admit, as difficult as it still is, it was kind of fun to go back and play this one. I was determined to get to at least level 2, but it didn’t happen. I got all the way up to the first miniboss and got pulverized. I was actually better at this game when I was a kid. I still had a good time with it, though. With this game, you just have to embrace the inevitability of death. The game that I could only beat with the Game Genie will have to remain unbeaten.

Kid Icarus

< Back in the Day: Kid Icarus was kind of a weird game to me. My first experience was renting it from a mom and pop video rental store. I had heard good things about it, so I got the game home, popped it in, and started it up. It was different from any game I had ever played. The visual style was striking, and it seemed to mesh mechanics from Super Mario Bros, Metroid, and The Legend of Zelda. It had elements of a platformer, a scrolling shooter, and you could collect items throughout your journey. You could even earn experience points and level up. I remember the setting, loosely based on Greek mythology, and sound effects to be a bit eerie for some reason. And some of the monsters freaked me out. I’ve read that there’s a monster in the game called a “Komayto” that resembles a Metroid, which is understandable since Kid Icarus was based on the Metroid game engine. I never made it far enough to see one, however. The game was just too difficult. You had to have incredible platforming skills and a lot of patience, because this game was long. I wouldn’t say it was one of my all time favorites, but it was still a good game and offered a solid diversion, even if it did eventually end in frustration. I guess it’s safe to say I had mixed feelings for the game. It was interesting and entertaining, but ultimately the challenge of finishing it was a little too hardcore for me.

> Today: I recently loaded up this game to see how it’s aged over the years. I still like the style, although the sound effects and monsters still kinda freak me out. My performance has actually worsened, as I couldn’t even get past the first level. So I did what any sensible man would do: I gave up and entered the password to transport me to the final level with weapons and health maxed out. Only then was I able to vanquish the evil Medusa and rescue the Angel Princess. Yeah, yeah, I know I cheated, but I wanted to see the ending. I had only seen it once before when my friend beat it one morning before we went to school. I still don’t know how he pulled it off. Maybe he grabbed the password from a Nintendo Power or something.

Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out

< Back in the Day: Ok, this one deserves an explanation. The only real stupid-hard part of this game was Tyson. I remember being able to work my way up to him, but never defeating him. It was easier to play Doom on “Nightmare” mode than beat Tyson. Despite such an insanely difficult final bout, Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was still one of my favorite NES games. If you took the title character out of the equation, I would describe the game as having the perfect balance of challenge and fun. The gameplay stood out in the early Nintendo landscape and offered some interesting mechanics. Each opponent had his own unique fighting style and brought to the match his own distinct challenges. If an opponent gave you trouble, you could press select in between a round to regain some of your strength. Everything felt right until you got to Tyson. Even if you knew his patterns, Tyson was still lightning quick and could knock you out with one punch. Come to think of it, I don’t even think I got past the first minute let alone the first round. It kinda makes you wonder what kind of deal Tyson made with Nintendo to use his name and 8-bit likeness to make him virtually invincible.

> Today: Not much has changed with this game. As before, I can battle my way up to Tyson, but I still can’t beat him. However, I was able to last through the whole first round, which is astonishing to me. Maybe my twitch reflexes have improved over the years. Given more time, I may be able to make it further, but it’s just not worth the effort. It’s not impossible to beat him; I know people have done it. But for me, it would be more repetition than a good challenge. So for now, I’ll just stick to knocking out Super Macho Man and call it a day.

Well, that’s all for now. Be sure to stop by in a few days to catch Part 2 of the series. And we’d love to hear about some of your hardest games. You can tell us all about ‘em in the comments.